5.

mother
in whose heart did you fire ?
you watched me dream in an
unspoken home in unnamed dreams -
i knew to talk out of turn - whistling
while the shadows were close
enough to swallow anything
i believed

you will find life took its
toll at my thirteenth year when i
spent the days hiding from sunlight
lying to everyone, crippled by
the blackness of our home

i never did anything to build this
anger
you put guilt in my tiny
hands and asked me to give up
you sat back and watched me bleed
how much do i know?
(i hope) you know that i love you

you did the best you could
i know forgiveness but
i am so fucking angry in everything
i hide in this anger
even though you did the best
you could

i hold such terror in my soul
where does that form
where does this cold metal form
i know you did the best
you could

my heart stopped
when i lived with you
i was young
i am still yours
the trip to now is slow
devoured by past memory
i want more to eat
i want more to love
i am alone mom
no matter what you say
i am alone
i did not choose to grow
in the shadows
i did not ask to grow
from broken love
i did not ask
you to punish me
with silence

let me ask you.

what should i do?
i am far from happiness
you left me to destroy myself
my world is anger
and the memories are hidden
anger greets my lips
love sits back and watches me
die with each connection
i have seen you radiate with joy
you might think i am young
but i am very old

in the silences
in the flames of my dreams
in a world where i drag every shadow
in the shape of a person my pain takes me
in the women i touch at night threatening to hate them
i have grown very old mother,
i have grown every scar
for the both of us.